“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
a father’s delight is behind all this.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG)
I have sat across from many of my 20-something year old friends and watch them struggle as they painfully admit that life isn’t chalking up to what was expected. It is somewhat of a reality shock to realize you hate your job, your degree doesn’t mean anything, always the bridesmaid never been the bride, your drowning in debt, and the real world just keeps taking a toll on your heart.
If my life was going as I expected, saturday I would have graduated with my masters degree. Potentially seeking my next move academically. I imagine I would have a ring on it and be preparing for a wedding. I would be clocking in and out of a job in full time ministry that never stops my heart from racing. I would be writing devotionals and studies for women and girls in my downtime. I’d be fully bound for a big city with new challenges and a lot of change. But today, in my 20’s, nothing has gone quite as expected.
Call it what you want: a unhealthy search for significance, a prime example of discontentment, or a season of selfishness. I don’t know what I want to call this yet, but I do know it is hard to push through. I don’t do very well when people ask me what I’m up to because I use to have really good answers: seminary, dating, ministries, writing. Now my response to that question is a smirk and a hearty shoulder shrug. God has stripped away all of my future expectations right now. I have potential and dreams bottled up inside of me and I’m trying not to doubt their purposes. These days the biggest lie I tend to believe is that literally the only thing I have going for me is my new kayak.
The only conclusion I keep resorting to is this: suck it up. The reality of my Christian life is, in this 20-something life crisis, it isn’t my place to question what He is doing just because it seems like He isn’t doing anything. I have to trust that God is setting up the stage, and it is my responsibility not to be too anxious for the next scene. I gave Him my life, knowing that I was surrendering to His will for my life, and disposing of my expectations. Directions will surely follow for me, not in due time, but in His time.
Psalm 84:11
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.”
(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 15).
“Death comes for everyone… But then hope appears…”
I think it hit me the one night last week in the worst way. Something I’ve been praying about for months rushed into my heart at the most unexpected time. I thought, “God.. this is not happening- not right now.” I felt for a moment abnormal for feeling this way, but the overwhelmingness of it could not stop that.
My life right now is better then good. God is blessing my ministry, I’m gleaning from older women, my job is easy-going, I’m meeting new people and enjoying every minute of it all. My birthday was last week and the people in my life poured love all over me. How much more of a safe life can I have? It is possible that I am obtaining everything that a cliche Christian girl would want out of life.
But my heart has been somewhere else for months. Two things God has been telling me about this heart condition.
I went on a weekend retreat with some close friends of mine. It is necessary for me to pull away from reality for a while sometimes to get in touch with the supernatural. This one thing kept reappearing in my mind, and I keep talking to some people like I already know it is going to happen. We called this type of thing a “Lion” because I sincerely fear it, and I fear chasing it. I fear rejection, not be taken care of, or being alone forever if I chase this “Lion”. Choosing to chase this “Lion” is not a safe bet for me in the flesh, but it is ultimately the safest move I will ever make.
The day of my birthday I really focused on what was next for me. My motto this year is “changing the world.” I contemplated and prayed about what that will look like for year 24. The night of my birthday I heard it at youth group though: “If you want to change the world- You have to count the cost.” This “Lion” I believe is part of me changing the world. Counting the cost for me is realizing that my desires are truly whatever He desires. These desires are part of the cost of following Him- He said He would do something like this, and He is. I’m planning on losing a lot, only to gain what will outlast my lifetime.
So there I sat, watching my true desires come forth. The fact that I have absolutely no desire to be married right now. The desire for full-time ministry that I get after watching a woman who I have been praying for for months get baptized. The desire to be in this particular city that I have never even visited before. I’m watching Him place specific desires in my heart and it is reshaping my world, mindset and all. None of this seems normal to me, but chasing lions and truly counting the cost of following Christ isn’t “normal”.
I think back on the times in my life where God was asking me: “Break up with him”, “Get baptized”, “Go to Guatemala”, “Quit seminary”. All those sometimes painful decisions that God demands of us are ultimately for our own good. He has good for me. I can’t fight it or let fear control it, I’ve got to count the cost and chase it.
“And now I am on my way to Jerusalem, bound in my spirit, not knowing what I will encounter there.” - Acts 20:22
